As a very sensitive girl I grew up …
as an only child in a rural area where alcoholism and sarcasm were the celebrated modes of being. Where barely getting by was “good enough” as long as you could tend to your vices.
In this type of environment a child doesn’t feel safe, accepted or seen. Sensitive vulnerability isn’t celebrated or allowed to thrive but instead has to grow a calloused shell. So where does one go when they are left alone and scared?
They go inwards.
For many, growing up is a process of coming out of their shells and exploring the outer world. For me, it was a continuous journey deeper and deeper inside. From a very young age I became hungry to understand psychology, dreamwork, human behavior and brain science. It wasn’t til adulthood that I also realized these inner realms could be classified as the “spiritual realms”. When I began to pick up on this I added studying world religions and spiritual traditions to my obsessions.
All this inward journeying did have its cost. I developed a deep relationship with myself, but never learned how to form healthy relationships with others. I also walked around in a constant state of hypervigilant awareness from always having to be on “high alert”.
Eventually I began to realize something wasn’t quite right about the way I was experiencing the world. I was in a constant state of unease (and of course I picked up the same addictions I was raised around) and have chronic nightmares.
At this time I was also well into my career as a hairstylist.
Once isolated and disconnected I was now deeply steeped in human connection and relationship. I also began an intense meditation practice, as I had learned about neuroplasticity I realized I didn’t have to accept my chronic state of unease. I could rewire my experience!
As I got deeper into my meditation practice I started to have unusual experiences with my clients. I began to realize humans are connected on much more subtle levels and exchange much more information than is commonly understood.
This realization fueled a new journey. One aspect of this journey was to take responsibility for my inner realms … not just for my own mental health … but for the people I shared spaces with. The other aspect of this journey was trying to understand how this exchange of information worked.
This led me to finding and serving at a plant medicine church.
Here I finally felt accepted into a warm and loving family. I got to hold space for individuals processing deep, intense experiences. A space that I always wished had been held for me…so by holding it for others I was giving my soul what it always craved.
I also got a lot of my curiosities answered regarding just how deep interpersonal connection goes. I knew the work I had dedicated to years of healing and freeing myself from addiction and taking responsibility for how my inner state influenced those around me had paid off. I finally felt like I could finally take off the armor and be myself.
I was home.
Then … in the worst twist of fate … alcohol struck again. This time … not destroying my soul … but my body.
Just as I was finally feeling like I could live fully and share who I was lovingly, safely and freely - I was hit by a drunk driver and paralyzed from the chest down. I lost my job, my car, my home, my hobbies, everything I had built my life upon up til that point … there was nothing on the physical plane that remained untouched.
However … the years and years I had spent training my mind and heart stayed with me. I wish I did not have to test these tools against such a tragedy … especially at the hands of another … but I am very grateful for the time I had previously spent investing in my journey.
And that brings me to Electric Loom. Because I know these tools work. They saved me once before and I know they will save me again … except this time …